From the ages of 14-16 I resided in a group home located in Falmouth, MA, called Cape S.T.A.R.T. While there I befriended another girl who I often had in depth conversations with through a word processor…yes a word processor and yes I can hear you laughing. Well we would have these conversations by sitting next to one another while taking turns typing our questions and answers. I understand one might ask why through a word processor rather than just speaking, however, there were always so many people around that it was the only private and safe way we were able to fully express our thoughts and feelings to each other. So one day I typed “Who am I?” She responded “If we try to find out, then we die in the process…” and I further responded “If we do not try, then we die with no dignity.” That conversation has somehow managed to percolate through my mind for quite some time as I have often pondered its meaning while spending countless years searching for my own answer (and if I remember correctly, I believe that was my senior quote when graduating high school).
“Who am I? If we try to find out, we die in the process. If we do not try, then we die with no dignity.”
It is strange to me how something so seemingly simple could become so truly complex, leaving me to believe that it was never simple to begin with because who we are is an ever changing reflection of the evolution of our souls.
For me, I know I have been a daughter, a granddaughter, a sibling and even a wife. I have been a student and I have been a teacher. I have been a child in an adult’s body and an adult in a child’s body. I have been a victim and a predator. I have been repeatedly broken only to be repeatedly repaired. I have been a survivor. I have been so many things and have yet to become so many more, but I have always been me whether I was fully aware of it or not.
Of course there are aspects of my life that I am not proud of and many more that I am. So now, rather than questioning who I was or am, I question who I want to be while working towards doing just that.
Who do I want to be? Someone who enjoys life to the fullest extent in order to die with an unquestionable dignity.