EMDR – Through the Eyes of the Broken (click this link)
Beginning this year I made the decision to actively move forward with the pursuit of living my life by moving on and moving towards a future meant for me. At the same time, I found it was not so simple and would ultimately be impossible without first laying the past to rest once and for all. With that in mind, I opened my heart and my arms to the suggestion of “EMDR,” or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I had to. I left myself with no other option as I had already reached my breaking point and if I did nothing I knew I would not return from my next “break.”
I must admit, I was hesitant and completely naive as to the effect this could and would have on me, on my life, on my heart and on my soul. Hesitant because I have had plenty of therapists while always achieving the same results…I go to my appointment, feel no connection, speak of things with no value or significance and leave unfulfilled while remaining broken. Mainly because I was not ready, but also because it was not the right time, was not the right therapist and was not the right course of treatment. Naive because I grasped onto this underlying belief that I could stroll in and out of each appointment as though it were as easy as pouring a morning cup of coffee and heading to work, but I was wrong.
Instead, what I experience is a battle…a war with myself, with my past, with my demons. More often than not, I am left so emotionally and physically drained that I often fear I will not be able to make it through the drive home, but I do…I make it. I always make it. Not just home, but through that day and the next and then…it becomes a little easier, a little lighter and I become a little more free. So I know it is working. I know it is exactly what I need to experience in order to finally find my peace and to feel alive…while being alive!
People have often asked me about it and the only explanation that I have been able to give until now is this: while existing (because I am unable to call it living) through my experiences I became so emotionally shut off that I never allowed myself to cry or be angry or feel anything that I should have allowed myself to. Instead, my focus remained on surviving…on just making it through. Well now, I am meeting with an individual that I have come to trust with my most valuable possession…me…my heart…my story…in doing so I am discussing these experiences, most for the first time. And in discussing them I am reliving them, not just a night terror, not just a memory (which I am not downplaying because those are also terrifying and draining)…but reliving them by acknowledging their existence and with this acknowledgement comes an awareness of all these feelings I had shut off so long ago, which have now been turned on…for the very first time. I am RELIVING the experiences, but LIVING the pain for the first time and it consumes me. I try to fight it, but it always wins or at least it seems to because in the end I am winning. Even though this pain causes me to feel so broken and defeated, just the knowledge that I am feeling it at all means I am winning, that I know I will win, and that I know I will someday feel both alive and at peace.
With that being said, I have been searching for a way to share with others exactly what this process causes me to go through…the overall terror, craziness, depression and pain…to then be gently laid to rest by a light appearing at the end of the tunnel. No matter how small it may seem, I am hopeful by the realization that it even exists as I have not had a lot of light in my life and I am struggling…seriously struggling…to do everything in my power to ensure this one continues shining…that I continue shining.
So I offer this poem in hopes that it might shed some light on how it works for me…this craziness is what I have been, continue to and will continue to experience for some time, which makes the rest of life all that much more difficult…and yet it is completely worth it…because I am (sometimes) finding that I am worth it.